"Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens" A few of my favourite things....

I know I've been Debbie Downer (Wah-Waaaaah) lately and that my writing has suited the worst parts of my currently not the greatest mood. I promise, however that I have not completely lost the charming (if I do say so myself, and I do because it's my blog) naivete and youthful exhuberance about ALL THE THINGS. I still force myself to keep my eyes up - because I certainly do not want to miss something magical within the mundane. It's this gratitude for the beauty of life that is my greatest coping mechanism, and the reason why I love running so very much. It affords me the opportunity to witness simple miracles and breathtaking beauty, and reminds me to stop and take those in, both on my run, and in every day life.
I went to the Christmas Market last night in downtown Toronto's Distillery District. I am a reluctant admitter to enjoying Christmas (My kids don't call me Mummy Grinch for nothing), but I have to admit that when I turned the corner and took in the lights and spectacle ahead of me, I may have gasped. People milling about, beautiful lights, Father Christmas, Christmas Carolers and the most beautiful, spectacular Christmas tree I have ever seen. The atmosphere was electric and, well, downright merry. While standing in the outdoor marketplace, my friend and I discussed how wandering around on a crisp winter evening was one of the best things ever ever ever to do (and made exponentially better by partaking in mulled wine).

So I woke up this morning thinking about some of my favourite things, which I realize are too many to list in one, or ten, or a hundred blogs. These are some of my favourite simple miracles:
-the sound a guitar makes when hand slides between one chord(?) note(?) I dunno what the technical term is - but that uniquely guitar sound makes my heart melt
-the swish swish sound your feet make when walking through fall leaves
-warm sun that invites you to tilt your head up and close your eyes for a moment
-the sound of laughter, and twinkly, laughy eyes
-that moment when a piece of music comes on and you recognize it, making your heart beat a little faster with excitement and the mind reach for the memories and feelings associated with it.
-movies with a narrator. Mostly because I am certain if my life was narrated, it would be done so by the Queen, or Julie Andrews, if QEII is a bit busy that day.
-the first smell of bread, baking in the oven
-the "heart skips a beat" feeling when you get a text/email/phone call etc...from someone you love, whether you last heard from them 5 minutes or 5 years ago
-a well poured and ready to drink Guiness. It's a stout piece of art and begs to be admired before consumption.
-the sound of footsteps, or, even better, hoofbeats. It's the sound of moving forward
-the smell of a fir tree on a crisp winter day
-an old tree, after it's leaves have fallen and it's branches are laid bare and vulnerable for all to see
-the roots of a tree peeking out of the earth
-anything about a tree actually, so to save some time I'll leave it there
-the first taste of a baked good after it's come out of the oven. You've had to wait for it to cool, it has taunted you with it's delicious aroma. That cookie is YOURS! All the sweeter for the patience.
-the Toronto skyline - most beautiful ever
-random talks to strangers
-the contented sigh a dog makes after laying down
-opening a card (any card - cards are amazing and simple and marvellous). Cards say someone has thought of you, and taken the time to show it.
and finally,(although I could go on), in the spirit of the season:
- Christmas Carols gone wrong. Such hits as "Santa Claus Doesn't Come To the Ghetto" by Yellowman, "Reggae Christmas" by Bryan Adams & PeeWee Herman, "Ludacrismas"by Ludacris, "Funky Funky Christmas" by NKOTB, "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul Mcartney
-The Little Drummer Boy, as performed by David Bowie & Bing Crosby. If exposed to any of the above Christmas gigglers, this song will restore you faith in festive music. Although this song is my least favourite Christmas Carol, done by David and Bing, it is perfection, and my all time favourite.

It's sometimes impossible to see the beauty, I understand the truth of that. But a wise woman I knew before once said,

"Don't get so wrapped up in the details that you forget to enjoy the journey"

Find Your CORE

"I Used To Recognize Myself" A Reflection

Right now, in this moment, in fact, in this month and some of the bigger chunks of this year, I cannot see myself anymore. The woman I worked so hard to set free is nowhere in sight.
I went through treatment for my mental health issues. I have diligently done all the things that keep a person like myself content and sailing along smoothly. And by "person like myself" I mean someone with a predisposition to suffer anxiety and depression. I have taken meds, exercised diligently, exposed myself to sunlight, taken vitamin D, eaten healthily, knitted, sought professional help as needed. In short, I have been a model for recovery and living life to it's fullest with mental illness. In fact, if I didn't talk openly about it, before this year you likely had zero clue that I ever even had a bad day. That's because, for the most part, I rarely did. I was genuinely happy and full (brimming in fact) with joy and enthusiasm. When life tossed me lemons, I'd squeeze the fuck out of those little bastards and make the bestest lemonade ever, goshdarnit, and then deliver it to someone whose day needed a little cheering up. I was nice and unselfish and funny and kind and succesful and a good mother and a good wife and a good person. I was pretty happy if a little unfulfilled in some ways, and I sought even to change that and make that better.

Seeking to change, made everything change.

At some point in my life I will share the events of the last year with more people, but for now, just know that 2015 has not been my easiest year.

And I am, to put it blankly, a shell of the person I fought so hard to love.

I realised when chatting to runners the other day, that the hardest part of every run, is the actual decision to get out of bed in the morning and go. I understand, because truly, there is no greater task that I face every single day. It takes every single ounce of my strength and willpower to sit up and get on with my day. This is NOT me.

I have, despite all that I have been handled to cope with, a charmed life, and yet I have to fight myself to get up and live it. There are problems I must face every day,that's for sure, but mine are so insignificant in the scheme of things that it's laughable that I give them more a passing glance and struggle to get on with my day. I have a roof over my head, people who love me, a nice car, a full time job, friends and so much more to celebrate. But, to my chagrin, I can't find an ounce of joy and gratitude for even one little bit of it.

I am lost.

The fact that my IPod needs charging and I have nowhere to charge it today, was akin to a national tragedy for me today.

Who am I.

Where is the self-confident, got it together motivator who makes things happen. The woman who thrives on pressure, loves a challenge and makes shit happen? Where is she?

Guilt.

The overwhelming shame and guilt and grief for feeling like this when people are starvingdyinglivinginfearpovertywarfamine. I live in Canada for goodness sake.

Helpless.

I never stopped looking after myself - never missed workouts or ignored signs. I have taken care of myself.

Yet here I am.

Shame.

My persistent best frenemy.

Dragged myself to yoga this morning to hear this timely little pearl of wisdom:

"Sometimes we have feelings, physical and emotional, that arise in times we are challenged. The hardest part is not attempting to fix them, but just allowing ourselves to live with them until they pass and we feel whole again."

I realized, when talking to my running friends the other day, that they were right.

The hardest part about life, is deciding to live it.

See you tomorrow.

Find Your CORE

"A Candle Of Hope In November's Dark Night"

I get out and see a lot of things, and like a lot of people of an advanced age (ahem)I have had a range of life experiences.
I've watched a brand new life take it's very first breath on earth and held the hand of a life at end as it breathed it's last.
These are the two extremes of life as we know it.
Both were immeasurable in the immensity of the moment, and in the very privilege of being present.

There are times in life that you feel as if your heart has exploded and in it's tattered place beats an emotion so extreme it envelopes your entire soul.
This is not an unfamiliar feeling to me - despite my claims to the contrary and my desire to be otherwise, I am a person who feels things immensely. I don't do feelings in small measure.
I have felt overwhelmed with joy upon turning a corner and seeing the sun bursting through the trees ahead.
I have been overcome with happiness watching an air show with my kids because the moment recalled a similar moment shared with my Dad in my childhood.
I have been torn apart by anger when someone I love has been hurt or wronged.
I have been overwrought with sadness when I couldn't take away the pain of someone who suffered.

We have all felt these emotions. We have all felt these and many others so strongly that the feelings overtake us and the moment becomes something bigger than us ourselves, little humans on a small planet in a mediocre solar system in the vast unknown of the universe.

I have heard this referred to as a "thin space" by a wonderful and wise minister, during a particularly meaningful sermon he once preached.
This expression has stuck with me as a description for this amazing and terrifying feeling.

When had such a feeling recently I, ever research minded, decided to google that shit.

A "thin place" is described in Celtic lore as " a place where the boundary between heaven and earth is especially thin. A place where we can sense the divine more readily".

I read several sources, that state various similar descriptions, often touting the boundaries of life and death, where people experience the "Divine" (insert your belief in whatever Deity you deem fit) most strongly. Either in an earthly place, or through human experience.

The advent season, in Christian traditions, is a period defined by waiting and preparing. Preparing for the miraculous and wondrous arrival of that most human of emotions. This, my friends, is why Christmas is so infinitely beautiful. It is the ultimate thin space. At heart, we celebrate the human ability to nurture,to love and to HOPE.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow or next year. But in those quiet moments of overwhelming feels, I know that the people I love are with me.
I know that the warm brush of sunlight that randomly brought a lump to my throat and made my heart swell means I am not alone. I know that when I see a friend suffer and feel the crushing anvil of defeat in my inability to save them, it means I am not alone. Don't push the moment away, however painful it may be. Stand on the edge of your own divinity and live.

Find Your CORE.

"You Asked For Healing" My Thoughts; On Letting Go

Occasionally I get asked to write something and I actually get paid for it. I'm often asked why I don't write a book, or publish my writings etc...
The answer to that is two fold. First - I haven't spent enough time really putting thought and effort into making my efforts at writing produce a sustaining income, and second - if I write about what I know, there would be too many things that I don't want out in the public about my life. Not because I am ashamed of it, but because there are other members of my family that would be affected by. There is no such thing as a victimless crime, and no family history is free of it's own set of criminals.

I have been asked recently to submit a piece of writing about "Letting Go Of Mental Illness".

That's a thing?

I missed that memo, apparently.

There is no letting go of illness. It changes your DNA. Depression is the deceitful dark cloud that robs my days of colour and paints me as useless and unworthy. It's hissing voice tells me it's right, and that I'm a piece of shit and don't deserve my skin,my friends,my children,my job,my car, my love,my life. It reminds me that I have to keep pushing, doing better, being nicer, being prettier, being skinnier, being smarter,being funnier. No one will like me if I'm not the best,the best,the best,the best. I have only it to thank for my success, because it's voice of truth keeps me at my best, stops me from being weak,stops me from being me. Because no one, it hisses, would like that. Don't let them see.

I don't write a book because that voice I hear, is my mothers'.

I let her go. I asked her to leave my home around ten years ago, my husband drove her home. I called her a few times at Christmas, and on her birthday, but I even gave that up. I went to visit her after my favourite uncle died, to see if she was okay. It was polite.
She left my home and never once picked up the phone again to speak to me, or make any attempt to contact me. We hadn't parted on terrible terms. But I hadn't lived up to her. And I lost her that day when she walked out my door, and all I have to remind me of her now is the voice of my own self loathing and wretchedness. The last time I saw her was after I received the phone call that she had passed away unexpectedly through the night, and I stood weeping beside her lifeless body at the funeral home that afternoon.

The truth is, I'd give everything I had to turn time back to the day that she left my life. And on the days that I struggle most, it's not that I believe that I am worthless or useless. It's that I so badly want to make her love me, that I'd gladly play the part.

I know if I hadn't let her go, it would've been me in that funeral home. And there are too many times I wish I had played my cards differently, so I could have bought us more time together.

I know she didn't love me. She hadn't the capacity, she was so enveloped in her own turmoil. I was a conduit for her own pain and torment.

I know that things couldn't have been different, unless she too had sought proper help for what troubled her.

I know I made the right choice because my own children will not hear my voice in torment, but in support. I hurt still. But I heal continuously.

My Mum was not a horrible person. She was ill. In so many ways. And I was available and vulnerable and able to take all that on for her. I paid the price. My children will not.

So, when I talk about letting go of mental illness, that is what I did. I let go of the person who meant more to me than life itself. It's not something I'm proud of, but it had to be done, for the sake of my family and my children.

We don't, no can't, let go of mental illness, or cancer, or diabetes, or any other kind of life changing condition. We can simply heal the wounds the best we can, and hope that we can patch up the rest enough to keep us afloat.

We can let go of habits that don't heal, and let go of thoughts that make us hurt. And we can let go of people who cause us harm. To quote a line in an article I read recently, "We can choose to let these people go. We don't have to, and it's hard to choose to do so. But we CAN".

In my perfect world, my Mum and I would have had a reunion, and she'd have seen the strong and healthy Annie, and would've loved her. But I've let that dream go. My Mum would have hated me as I am now. Because she herself was trapped, she wouldn't have ever been able to recognize the beauty that is freedom.

I hope she is free now. And that we have a chance for that reunion one day, somehow. And the part of me that was, is and always will be her daughter wants nothing more than to believe that she has found peace, and is happy that I have found mine.

Find Your CORE

"Such a Perfect Place to Hide" My Celebration of 13.1

One final surge as I reached the final 100m. My heart was beating with excitement, my tired legs changed cadence to push harder towards the finish. The sun burst through the clouds. The angel's trumpets blared. Crowds roared their support, chanting my name (which is 2 syllables and coincidentally imminently chant-able) and pumping their fists to the sky as I passed by. I might have been in slow motion, hair swept back in the wind, victorious smile on my calm and triumphant face. Gentle beads of sweat glisten on my brow. Dramatic and uplifting music sets the tone for epic victory. This is totally how I celebrated the finish of the 2015 Scotiabank Half Marathon and 10 year Discharge-A-Versary from hospital after completing a stay in Toronto General Hospital's Eating Disorder Unit.
Stop. Press rewind please. Let's take it back a bit.
I had a great run. From starting gun to final surge,the entire run went like any other..strong,beautiful and full of joy. I ran with music for the first time, and set myself a lengthy playlist of songs that mean something to me, I enjoy, or remind me of people who would be cheering me on. From there I pressed shuffle and set off on my run.
Music, as always, did not disappoint, sending me a sublime set of musical awesomeness to enjoy along the way. I was fast enough, strong enough and thoroughly exhilerated by the atmosphere. It was, as the first two songs that played so aptly stated, a Wonderful World, and a Beautiful Day.
As KD Lang soulfully belted out Halellujah on my soundtrack, I took a moment to revel in the truly breathtaking truth that I was running with all the skinny, perfect people. That I had eaten breakfast that morning. And every morning for the last ten years. That all the people who had astounded me before were now my peers. And that I was as worthy and capable of the achievement as they were.
I ran briefly alongside a true survivor, a real hero. JP Bedard was 5km into his third consecutive marathon to raise awareness for survivors of sexual abuse. I told him how he inspired me and how he was my hero. This was bravery.
The songs played on. My feet kept plodding on. My heart was full.
I thought that the ending would be, in a word, unforgettable.
I turned the corner and saw the crowds and beautiful Toronto City Hall up ahead. All the other runners streamed out ahead and around me. The stage was set. I noticed my music for the first time, really, knowing that the music Gods would choose a song to commemorate this incomparable moment.
Instead the music Gods decided to have a bit of a laugh and sent me low key, somewhat (okay,very) dark song by George Ezra, about depression.
It actually shook me a bit. What. The. Fuck. would this song come on for (because IPods care about my epic soundtrack, right), but I wasn't about to waste any precious time by fiddling and skipping the song.

It's just my name,
It's just my skin,
Holding a boulder,
Can you swim?
Oh as we fall,
Through the water,
You find a piece within,
And you know it's just your skin

So I looked toward the finish and plowed ahead, determined to just ignore the music and finish strong. But, instead of just listening, for the first time I actually heard.
I trust myself implicitly to make the right decisions. I feel capable, strong and beautiful. I listen to the needs of my body and adjust to ensure that I am able to perform at my best. I am confident and on top of the world.
Now add "when I am running" to those above statements.
Because only when I am running, all of the above and more are true.
But in my life, I let doubt creep in. I let the opinions of others lead me. I don't trust that I know what I need.
When I look back over ten years of making the right decisions, listening to the needs of my body and adjusting to ensure that I am able to perform at my best, I know that having confidence in myself is key to my being a rare success story.
When I doubt myself, when I turn away from my gut instincts, and when I convince myself that I can't, I slip and fall.
But the part that doubts? It's just my skin. Not my heart, my soul. It's just my name. A diagnosis.
And God knows, I have held a fucking gigantic boulder or ten. And God knows, because He has helped me, I can swim.
So when I crossed that finish line in downtown Toronto, I did it like I have lived most of my life. Alone,in giant crowd.
No fanfare. No fist pumps. No triumphant angelic horn section. Me and George and the black dog.

Black dog, black dog, that I'll never know,
Oh black dog haunts you mind, your world, your soul,
Oh black dog, black dog, can't you see I am fine?
Oh black dog, black dog, you're no plague of mine.

It was the perfect finish to my perfect run.

It's just my skin. And I'm proud to say I'm comfortable in it.

Find Your CORE

"It's Hard To Take Courage"

10 years ago I stood at the finish line of the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon. My family and I had gone to cheer on a dear friend who had overcome insurmountable odds to finish a half marathon. She had completed a hospital stay and begun the process of recovering from an eating disorder. I thought she was amazing - and that the feat she had accomplished was impossible on so many levels.
I had met her almost a year before, during that hospital stay. We had become fast friends among the 25 or so women who came and went through the Toronto General Hospital eating disorders treatment program during my tenure there. She was, and remains, a hero to me, and cheering her in that day gave me hope that there were amazing things ahead for me to accomplish too.
The Facts:
Anorexia Nervosa boasts the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, losing 4% from physical complications and more from suicide. Only 1/3 of all individuals who suffer access treatment, and less than .10% of those are successful. Bulimia Nervosa is statistically not far behind, with 3.8% mortality.
The outlook for receiving treatment is bleak, and the chance of recovery is slim. Add to that the social stigma associated with admitting to the disease and you have a recipe for not seeking help.
With my husband's help, support and encouragement I agreed to check in to an intensive Eating Disorders Recovery Program at Toronto General Hospital. I had suffered from Anorexia for almost 20 yrs by then, and it had morphed into and branched out to bulimia-binging and purging, laxative and diuretic abuse, over exercising, 200 calorie per day eating regimens, cutting and several other forms of self injury. I was very ill, and I'm afraid that not many had a tonne of hope that I could, after 20 years of habitual self abuse, kick this disease to the curb.
Don't kid yourself. It is a disease. It is pervasive and destructive, a cancer of the mind, and a destroyer of the soul. And like many diseases there are treatments, and often cures.
Those who thought I couldn't, made the silly mistake of underestimating me. I said yes to treatment. I said yes to doctors and therapists. I said yes to every meal they brought me, although every part of me said I wasn't worth it and was rebelling against the treatment program. My body was in agony. My mind was a battlefield. And my heart was starting to be free. I said yes to therapy. I said yes to clinical trials. I said yes to drinks with calories.
It was the worst, most traumatic, most painful (physically and emotionally) period of my life to that point, but on October 18th ten years ago, I walked out of Toronto General Hospital day program and into the journey of recovery. Against all the odds, as a grown adult, I had reached the point of the process that most are unable to even aspire to: HOPE.
Recovery from anything is never a one and done deal. It's a series of good decisions that nurture your confidence and build evidence for successful decisions in the future. Recovery is saying yes to every meal. Recovery is believing you are good enough and worthy of waking up tomorrow, even when the whole world is telling you differently, or waking up anyway and getting on with things despite agreeing with the whole world.
Recovery is falling down and laying there,trying to see the world a little differently before you get back up. Just so you know better what to do if you fall down again.
Recovery isn't never wanting to stick your fingers down your throat, it's enjoying the extra scoop of ice cream with your kids despite it.
Recovery isn't never battling anxiety or depression ever again, it's choosing the right weapons to bring to the fight. I run, to keep me balanced and give me confidence and happiness. I attend regular therapy sessions. I journal. I colour and knit. I eat healthily. I check in with my doctor often. I work at being ready always. Just in case.
Recovery isn't having to do everything on your own. It's being strong when you can, and accepting help when you can't.
Recovery is beautiful, bittersweet and impossibly possible.

It turns out this October 18th I will, coincidentally, be running the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon. I'll cross that finish line myself, and I cannot fail to see the symbolism in this.
I am not a survivor. I am alive. Despite the odds. Despite the doubt and severity of my illness. I am the face of recovery, and it is a strong face, a determined face, and a hopeful face.

I will cross that finish line on Sunday the way I walked out of the hospital ten years ago. With a big smile, some fear and loads of pride.
Because who knows what the next steps will bring? And really? Who cares. I am alive. And that's always a step in the right direction.

Find Your CORE.

`And There Is A Light, Don`t Let It Go Out`

As I get older, I am finding out more and more about myself. It's such a cliche, that when we reach adulthood we "find ourselves". Or not.

I was never lost. So what is there to find?

I do,however,believe that there comes a time in everyone's life that you no longer are willing to compromise the parts of ourselves that are inherently true. Because we realize that the people in our lives will love us the way we are, or will move on.

I know alot about me. I've put up with my consistent inconsistencies for years now.

I realize, though, that there are times that I allow other's opinions of me to shape how I behave. So I have wavered between what I long to do, and what others have expected of me.

I have lived happily. But with wavering purpose.

Went for a run this morning with my bestie running wife. I love her. I love running. We headed out to Durham Forest, intrepid adventurers that we are, armed with gooey runner's "nutrition" and a water bottle.

It promised to be idyllic. And it was. Eye opening as well.

I realize that running is my "thing" because to run is to take part in the action that is most me. Forward. Motion.

I am most me when I am moving forward, and struggle the most when that motion is paused.

People all my life have tried to tell me to slow down. Not take on so much. Not get involved. I have listened to them. And I have crashed.

When I am standing still I am vulnerable. I am purposeless. And I am not me.

When I am moving forward, even slowly, I am alive. I dream. I plan. I implement those plans and make things a reality. I have never seen anything as insurmountable when I am taking steps forward. I take on crazy things and make them happen. Plan big events, start my own business, help a friend, learn a new skill, take a trip, whatever. The more on the go the better. It`s how I`m happiest.

Dreaming big, working hard, making things happen, for myself, my family, my community and beyond. Perpetual motion.

I want to change the world, and when I stop trying life just isn`t as rich and fulfilling.

I don`t need to stop and smell the roses, thank you very much.

My runs are my reminder that NO MATTER WHAT, I can take another step. On my hardest day, I can move on. No mountain in my path can stop me. I`ll climb it, one difficult, trudging step at a time.

So, just like I refuse to let anything stop me from running, and loving every minute of it, I vowed to myself today, out on that sandy trail, to start making dreams come true. Yes, I`ll be busy. Yes, it will be hard. But my children will have a Mum who is fulfilled and a role model of how to give the best of yourself to the world. They will see that people can balance their own needs with those of others. They will see that dreams can come true.

They`ll see that their Mum changed the world. Starting with her own.

Find Your CORE

"Memories" some thoughts about grief

I have grieved, and am grieving.

Several of my friends have lost parents or loved ones this year, and often I have been asked about grief and loss, knowing that I have recently lost my parents. I have no good answers, really. But I have learned a few things along the way.

I believe that grieving is an action word, used to describe the new state of "withoutness" that remains in the void left by loss. Grief is change. When something or someone leaves you, your life changes. It cannot possibly be any other way.
Nothing is ever quite the same. That, in itself, is the sad truth about loss.
In my experience, grief is a physical and emotional pain.
There is no way to avoid it.
It never goes away. Because they have gone away.
Grief is forever, ever present and life altering. It is, in our post 911 world parlance, your "new normal".
Grief is a void, left by love, or familiarity or security. Grief is an empty space. Some empty spaces can be filled, with time. Others never can.

Over time, though, for me, the emptiness fills with emotion. A song on the radio fills you with sadness. A line in a movie brings their face to mind.You see a glimpse of their face in your children's reflection. These fleeting visits feel warm, cold and everything in between. Sometimes a memory can change your day for the better and another can change your week for the worse. These moments of grace, a thin space where you feel them close again, these become your grief. You don't heal from the loss of a loved one. You simply learn how to see life differently without them.

So how do you survive? Everyone differently. I'm willing to bet that not one person processes their losses the same way as another, and that's fine. Do what you have to do. Make healthy choices. Allow yourself to feel. Be happy. Be sad. Work at feeling better. It's okay to feel better. Honour your loss any way that is meaningful to you.

Death is closure. There is no more impenetrable barrier. Do what you need to do to remember, not whatever you can to forget.

And through it all, remember most of all, that you yourself have lost, but are not lost. Remember to live.

Find Your CORE

"I've Got To Go Home"

Today is my Dad's birthday. He is no longer with us, and my greatest fear is that I forget something important about him.
It feels so very wrong that he is gone, and even more wrong to let go of any single thing that I know about him. Forgeting,you see, is simply not an option.
This is his first birthday since he has passed, although 4 have gone by since he was incapacitated in soul, and mostly in body.It is, then, not his first birthday without him, but his lack of physical presence on this earth has certainly given me reason to stop each day, pause and remember.

Quite simply, I am a little less me without him. He loved me, and he was good at love, in his simple, silly, confused way. He did not understand me, but he didn't feel the need to. He liked me. He thought I was interesting and intelligent. We enjoyed lively discussion about ALL topics, and although he hated being wrong, he loved sharp tongued debate and clever wordplay. He thought I was beautiful and talented. He appreciated that I was a hard worker, and ambitious, and kind. And he thought I was I a good mother.

He TOLD ME these things. He took time to tell me what he thought of the person I was, and the actions I took. Sometimes I didn't want to hear, but he told me anyway. And even when he thought I was being an asshole he told me, and still loved me. Right that second even, while he was telling me I was an asshole.

No games. Just simple. And honest. My father's love for me.

So even though I know he won't be reading this, I want to share the commitment that I have made to myself to honour his birthday, his life, and his simple love.

I promise to:

-continue to take a moment every morning to speak his name aloud, and to close my eyes, breathe in, and hear the sound of his soft voice. I must remember his voice. It's one of my greatest fears that I will wake up one day and not be able to draw it to mind, so I practise hearing it still.
-to tell my children about him. Everything about him. The good, the bad and the ugly.
-to tell my children often about the things they need to hear. So that even though they will not remember his voice, they will hear it through me.
-to line up at midnight with my kids on December 18th, and be at the first showing of the new Star Wars movie.
-to find out where he lies now, and take something of him home, even if only his memory, to be in England again. To go home, on my own, and learn about my heritage and be where my heart pulls me so strongly.

To go home.

So I can listen, and maybe hear him once more.


Find your CORE

"All Types of People"

Hey you. Am I your type?

Your body type, that is...

We are all different shapes and sizes, this we know for certain, but there are different types of bodies and knowing where your body falls in line can be very helpful when determining how you should train and nourish yourself.

Some bodies gain muscle easily, some are more prone to retaining fat. Some people find it incredibly hard work to build muscle. All different - but scientifically, we do all fall into place on the following spectrum:

Or, another way of visualizing these three body types??

You're welcome, ladies.

To find out what body type you fall into - and a better description of the three body types than I can provide, check out www.bodybuiling.com and search body types quiz.


Knowledge is power, people. The more you know about your body, the better you can help it to function at it's best for a long time. Time is important, and movement for your body type helps utilize the time you spend working out wisely.

I did the test - I score somewhere between an ectomorph and a mesomorph.

What does that mean? Basically that I don't put on a tonne of muscle mass. I should lift weights. Heavy weights are good - since it takes some work for me to muscle up, and even then it is unlikely I would ever get "bulky". Moderate amounts of cardio recommended.

Moderate amounts of cardio. Isn't that like moderate amounts of ice cream??? Not a thing. But I understand the reasoning.

I utilize this information in all of my personal training programs, and would be glad to discuss what is optimal for you and your body type!

Knowledge is power. Know your body, and how best to move it. Move it. How best to move it. Move it.

Find Your CORE

"And Now I'm Swimming"

I have a new mantra this year.

"Why Not Me"

I'm a pretty brave chick for the most part, and take risks. Often, actually. Because I promised myself that there wasn't one single thing I wouldn't try. I refuse to let fear stop me from living, even for a second.

I realised this year that I might have subconsciously found a loophole.

I **may** have bypassed an experience or two. Not because I was afraid to try, but afraid to try and risk failing.

Before even taking the step, I sometimes convince myself that I don't measure up. So I take the opportunity off the table.

So upon recognizing this silliness I have spent much time this year repeating,"why not me" when presented with opportunities that I thought were totally beyond my reach.

Those three words terrify me and I often hate myself for trotting them out. Unfortunately they are often closely followed by discomfort, hard work and a lot of prayer.

It's reasonably easy to take a big plunge when you only focus on the first sensation - fear. But after you take the first step off the ledge the realization sets in. It's sink or swim. Do you turn back to shore? Or head out to the unknown. The possibility. Because. Why not me?

Looking at a beautiful athletic woman ahead of me in a race last spring....I wanted to run like her. I wanted so badly to keep up with her. To fly along like she was.

Why not me?

It was terrifying. I did NOT want to try and then be unable to maintain. She was clearly a runner. She was clearly a strong runner. I have my pace, I'm good. Go ahead, strong runner girl. Godspeed.

Why not me?

Because....she's faster than me.

Why not me?

Because she's stronger than me.

Why not me?

Because ..... I don't really know really. I guess I could try.

Why not me?

No reason why, actually. None at all.

It hurt to keep up with her. It required an incredible amount of effort, already an hour into the run. So much hard work. Much much easier to have enjoyed the pace I had prepared for. I'm pretty sure there was some heavy negotiating happening with the running Gods about lactic acid threshold and glycogen stores. I did eventually settle in comfortably. And I did indeed finish with my "rabbit" close by. And it was worth it.

Not life changing, one run, I know. But a little bit of proof that working extra hard and pushing through my limits can open up possibilities I never dreamed of. Even if I don't achieve what I set out for. No excuses. The effort was made. Why not me.

There have been some huge victories for me this year. All unexpected. All because I took a big leap and then swam like hell.

Why not me?

And, come to think about it...next time something crosses your path that makes you go "hmmmmmm... I wonder......" :

Why. Not. You.

Find your CORE

"Music Makes The People Come Together"

This time last Saturday I was headed downtown Toronto.

I LOVE TORONTO. It is so very alive. And tall. There is a rhythm to Toronto, a steady pulsing beat.

So, I was excited. We wandered around the beautiful Distillery District, a first for my friends and I, and got to experience a new and entirely charming and unique part of the city. After cocktails and dinner, I changed in a parking lot. What?!?! You know I'm a fitness superhero, right? No one saw a thing.

We headed to our main purpose of the day. An outdoor concert.

The last time I went to an outdoor concert there was lots of young people, smoking (legal and illegal substances), copious amounts of alcohol, and a shared interest. Music.

We got there and realized that the line to enter literally snaked around the block, around another block, and ended a half marathon away. Huh. When WE went to outdoor concerts, WE always wandered in fashionably late. Lineups? Pfft.

The crowd was 60% young and nubile,40%.....other. There was smoking (legal and otherwise), there was copious amounts of alcohol, and there was music.

Once we found our spot (close to the stage!!) and our alcohol (copious amounts!) there was very little time wasted in transitioning to our younger selves. (Editors Note: This is a health blog, Annie - be careful what you disclose!) There was NO smoking (legal or otherwise). Sigh. I wore mini jean shorts (band-aids, actually) and a tank top, with flip flops. And though the music may be different, nothing else really was.

It was as close to time travel as we will likely ever come.

Giggling, singing and dancing, the crowd around us was quickly enlivened by our enthusiasm, so we drew them in and made the circle bigger. People that would normally have nothing in common all of a sudden has so many things to chat animatedly about. Age gaps melted away.

By the time the first note was played, we were in the thick of the closest, and possibly biggest and rowdiest, group of concert revelers.

It was, in a word, AMAZING.

We came together to hear.

We stood together to see.

We will remember, collectively, how we felt.

Together, we lived the experience.

Music.

It is the heartbeat of our souls.

It is the common thread that ties every human experience together.

It binds forever and creates connections that are virtually impossible to make any other way.


I run because I can't imagine myself any other way. Music reminds me that that is just fine.

Find Your CORE.

"Wallow"

I woke up this morning and got out of bed. Somedays lately this takes a Herculean effort. Physically and mentally, I would much, and I mean MUCH, rather stay in bed.

But I got out of bed. I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Put my running shoes on. And stepped over 4 kids to go out my front door for my run.

Did a 7km run, with some speed intervals.

Had a cup of coffee and made breakfast for the 4 slumping zombies currently grunting around my home.

Dragged my butt downstairs, did an upper body workout and planked.

I'd still MUCH rather be in bed.

Guess who called me to check in to see if I got my workout in? Ate a healthy breakfast? Made the choices that help me be the cheery, productive person I almost always am?

No one.

In fact, no one has EVER asked, reminded, prodded, helped, motivated me to make these things happen. And despite this I rarely, if ever, let anything get in the way of making these important choices happen.

There are things that I must do everyday to ensure that I am healthy, functioning and ready to adult. I do them.

I may have lied a little. I do have some people who motivate me to get up, get moving and be the best version of myself I can manage:

Take 5 minutes today to figure out what will get you out the door. Do it. You're welcome.

Find Your CORE

"We Live Through Scars This Time"

I've had an interesting week.

I left my house early Saturday morning and hit play on my Ipod. Assuming that it was on my favourite playlist.

It wasn't. Le sigh.

It was on random shuffle. Every song a possibility.

I'd love to say I stopped and fixed it. But I'm very committed to just letting music be what it will be. Very zen. Very karmic.

Or simply too lazy to do anything about it. Choose option A if you want to remain friends.

So here's what played on my run, in the order they played.

Vertigo - U2

Need You Tonight - INXS

You Don't Love Me

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

Scars - James Bay

Never Thought That This Would Happen - the Arkells

Another Suitcase In Another Hall - Evita Soundtrack

Tubthumping- Chumbawumba

Begin Again - Taylor Swift

Defying Gravity - From Wicked - Idina Menzel

Beautiful Day - U2


Interesting choices, musical Gods. I bow to thee.


This last week I had many choices to make. As we all do every single day. What shirt to wear. What to have for breakfast. Which route to take to work.
Some of us have huge choices to make that effect millions of people. Other choices affect only ourselves.
Every choice we make defines us.
Actually, no - that's bullshit.
It's how we live with the choices that defines us. How we move forward, even when it's the hardest thing ever in life ever ever ever.

That is who we are. Not the sum total of a lifetime of choices, some good, some awful, some insignificant, some life changing.

I had choices to make this week. I didn't make all great ones. But maybe,for me, they were the right ones. I refuse to fault myself for doing the best that I can with what I had.

But I have the important stuff written down, cause I learned a few things.

- there are a few people in my life that look inside me and are never, ever afraid or repulsed. No matter what I throw at them, good or bad, they see perfectly imperfect me. I can see in their eyes that ALL OF ME has value and worth. There is no need to measure up. To them, Annie is just fine. My lesson: I need to start believing them.

-there are people in my life who barely look at me, allow me to feel unimportant and invisible. These people don't notice when I disappear. They don't see anything of me, because they don't bother to look. My lesson: I need to stop believing them.

-there are lots of people in between. My lesson: people will do what makes themselves happy, bottom line. It's time for me to do the same. To find a balance between taking care of others and taking care of myself. I didn't make a lot of change happen in the world for good last week from a hospital bed. I know I can be myself and not compromise my health. I just have to figure out how. It's worth it to me. I have lives to change and people to love.

I have made some craptastic choices lately. I'm sorry for that. But be forewarned. I will make craptastic choices again. LOTS of them. And, so, my friends will you.

Here I am. Scarred and beautiful. And choosing to live.

Whatever that means, let's do it together. With love.

I am however, never taking chances with my playlist again - what if it can tell the future?

Find Your CORE

"Just Don't Give A F*#!" (may contain loads of swearing)

In two weeks I am turning 38 and I no longer give a single fuck about some things. I have more pressing issues to deal with.

Warning - this post contains swears. Lots and lots of swears. It's healing for me today, kay? And truly - if you don't like it - I don't give a fuck. Tune back in after I wash my mouth out.

Not one single fuck will be wasted worrying about my body shape. I have big thighs. They jiggle. I have a shit ton of extra skin on my tummy. I am built like a little boy. As my Mum said, I'll never be beautiful. I have scars on my arm like train tracks. My nose is large for my face. My eyes are small for my face, and close set. I have a humungous mouth. My index finger on my left hand veers off to the left. I have extremely long first toes, and bony elven feet. I have tiny, teensy wrists and Edward Scissorhand fingers.I am, in short, no cover model.

Why, oh why, do I let one second of my life be wasted beating myself up for those things? For. Fuck. Sakes.

I have no desire to change my body. It's A-Ok just the way it is. So I am done worrying about it.
I look the way I look, I weigh what I weigh. I am ,and always will be this size. Because it's fine. So no more fucks will be given.

It's time to make my choices based on who I am not on what I believe I should be.

Fuck society and it's perfect ideals.

Middle fingers to people who judge my lack of perfection. Look in the mirror first.

A big kiss my ass to my fear that if I stop fretting over the outside, I'll have to address other things in my life that I'd so dearly love to avoid. Grow up, Annie. Grow the fuck up and get your shit done.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE to the voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough. I'm no longer listening.

So, since I stopped trying to change my body years ago, I am now going to stop wishing and wasting time on worrying about it at all.

Not one more fuck shall me misspent in this way by me. I have more important things to do.

And truly? So do you.

Find Your CORE.

t

"This Is My Heartbeat Song"

As a follow up to my blog about "fun runs" of a few days back, I want to take a minute (or longer - get tied on) to discuss team CORE and their varied experiences over the last two weeks, participating in Mudderella (an all women, 9K mud run) and the Warrior Dash (a 5K obstacle run).

We had, as they say, a blast. It was a load of fun. From the day before prep, to the social media chatter, the long car rides together, the pre race jitters, the post race high. We loved it all.

There are a lot of tales to tell, and I will leave all the various Warriors and Mudderellas to tell their own version of their days. But I have something to say to each one.

If you have ever read my blog, by now you know I love my CORE people for more than the income they provide me. I am inspired, no blown away, by them. They are simply amazing, brave, kind and wonderful human beings. I get to hear about their lives, and am invited into their journey to better health, an intimate and personal privilege to be sure.

As I suspected - they surpassed their expectations at these events. They challenged their limits and were not found wanting. They surprised themselves, but not me. They never surprise me...I see what they are capable of and believe in them when they can't believe in themselves. I love my job.

So, as briefly as I can - a word to each of our CORE family who participated.

Lisa/Jason/Char/Tasha: I didn't get to see your time on course. I cannot wait to hear every single detail. But I know the truth of the matter in the pictures I have seen - your shining eyes, and proud smiles. You are all amazing!!

Chantelle: you make everything more fun - and that is a gift to all around you. Keep your light hearted attitude and say what you think - we are listening. So are all the handsome medics.

Fawna: you told me the course kicked the crap out of you. I'm pretty sure I crossed the finish line with you. So who did all the kicking that day? Love your determination - and your refusal to let badass blisters bring you down.

Megan: Sorry that despite being old enough to be your mother, you could only keep up with me for one obstacle. Don't worry. I'll always slow down when you need someone to grab your hand and get you through. Great job you beautiful girl.

Jody: two weeks in a row and still dancing at the end of the Warrior Dash. Nothing keeps you down, physically or emotionally. Keep dancing, even with your broken bum.I'll rub it for you anytime.

Alex: I know what a challenge this was for you, in so many ways. I see you encourage others to step outside their box, and you don't allow your box to keep you in. Your belief in yourself despite the fears you face inspires me everyday. You are beautiful.

Jo: So much of this is your fault, I don't even know where to start! In the end, through it all, perhaps the bravest moment of the whole week was you planning next years adventure while being taken away on a stretcher in the back of a pick up truck. Never deterred from making shit happen.
Keep swimming - even though it is often upstream. It's people like you who get there.

Lee: you always seem to join us in these crazy adventures! Way to conquer so many things that on the way to the obstacle you firmly told me, "there is no way". Your quiet, steadfast determination was AMAZING as was the fact that you climbed BACK UP the bigass wall to help someone else over. Plus, you swear a lot, which is awesome.

Elizabeth: I never doubted for one second that you would fail to conquer every single obstacle, just as you always do, despite fear and difficulties. Lift up your chin and know that you are everything you need to be to tackle all life has in store. And you'll look damn good doing it.

Angie: Not surprising my British friend, that you made it through. Your ability to do everything and make it look effortless is beyond compare. But I know your truth lies in your ability to not only do things capably yourself, despite fears or challenges, but in affording others your quiet confidence and gentle encouragement. Lots of the team benefited from your kindness, as we do each and every week in class. You are a rock star. Errr, sorry.A country star!!

Jen: from being trapped in your bed to completing a Warrior Dash. All in five minute increments. All while looking stylish. All while helping, encouraging and affirming everyone. Even strangers. You are a lovely soul. Believe in you.

Matt, the wall guy at the Warrior Dash. Shout out to Matt for helping us through the most difficult of obstacles. YOu sure know your left and right.

In short, we kicked some serious butt. If you weren't part of this year's adventures don't worry - there will be more in the years to come. Jo will make sure of it!

Find Your CORE

"Muddy Waters"

After having now completed a colour run, a mud run and an obstacle run - all considered "Fun Runs", I can now confirm my previously inexperienced hypothesis.

They are a bit of a sham. Huge moneymakers, marketing ploys, clever charity tie ins.

They promise (not all of them - and I'll get to that later) that everyone can do their courses. They post training tips. They give out cutesie tattoos and hair extensions. They sell their branded merchandise for 500x it's worth. They overcharge for everything.

They sell their product as an end of the line goal. Do this, and you are a WARRIOR!!

Problem is, what does the average participant in these events do the day after?

I have stood at many an obstacle in the last two weeks and watched people bravely get through them. So many (TOO many) of the participants in these events are not ready to participate. Even the easier course was full of rutted, muddy trails, rocks to climb over, hills to scale and more (this was just the terrain, not the obstacles).Couple this with heat, nerves, adrenaline, add unfit participants with little or no body or spacial awareness, dressed in unsuitable and often unsafe clothing, and you have a terrible accident waiting to happen.

I worry that too many people, inexperienced with moving themselves in this way, are set up for injury and/or a terrific amount of hurt following the event. This leads me to success. All we in the fitness industry want is for every single body to feel successful at everything they do.
Successful people keep going. Successful people build high self esteem. Successful people are confidant in their own abilities. You get the drift.

I worry that people come into these events without preparation, and the idea that completion is enough.

As a fitness professional the idea of these events appeals so much! A fun and exciting, all inclusive way to encourage EVERYONE to get outside and get moving.

My concern is how many people then stop once they hit their particular finish line. From injury or pain, lack of success, or simply because they feel they have done their part to make a difference in their health.

So, my professional opinion is that they have a place in the world of movement. Some need to do a better job of emphasizing the need for training and general fitness. Some need to do a better job of ensuring safety measures are in place for the level of participant they are attracting. But, all in all, they are helpful in the quest to get people off the couch.

They are also unique, fun experiences - with a note to say that they are much more enjoyable if you do have a base level of fitness at least before you take part. They are an opportunity to join with a host of other athletes in a test of endurance, camaraderie and bravery.

Yesterday a large group of us went to the Warrior Dash, which turned out to be my favourite fun run experience thus far. Fairly priced, well organised, challenging and well prepared. Well, except for the shower situation. As nice as being hosed off by a fireman was, it wasn't really conducive to a proper clean up.

As I will detail further in a post later this week I am super proud of every single person who came out with us yesterday and last week to Mudderella. Amazing work. You all inspire me so much.

Every single person conquered something they had thought impossible.

And maybe that, in itself, is enough to make every step of these fun runs well worth the effort.

Find Your CORE

"Everybody Hurts, Sometimes"

Since the Mississauga Marathon my running career has stalled.

It.Hurts.

My left leg is a tangle of tight muscles, angry ligaments and totally testy tendons. It was for a good while almost unbearably painful to bear weight on that leg. My calf was often the same size as my thigh. Climbing stairs was...errmmm...slow.

I still worked. I still worked out. I still ran.

Not because I am a hero. Or a martyr.

I worked because I had to. I love my job. It feeds both my soul and my children.

I worked out with a new focus. Rehabilitation. I leg lifted weights tied onto my leg. I did leg presses at the gym. I stretched. I foam rolled. I focused on the muscles that will be needed to maintain a strong, balanced bunch of leg junk that will take over for my slowly degenerating hips. I worked out hard, and didn't miss a day of taking care of my painful legs. See above - I need my legs to do my job. I need HEALTHY, strong, mostly pain-free legs to do my job.

I ran because I didn't want to forget it.

I would not have lost much fitness. I'm not training for anything. It hurt. Somedays my leg would feel like I was dragging a 200lb tree stump. On those days I looked like a zombie from the Walking Dead. Other days, my leg would helpfully send shooting pains from baby toe all the way up into my lower back. On the best days, I had to focus every bit of my energy into keeping both legs running as balanced as possible. Like learning how to run. All over again.

I ran. Not every day, but when I could. I ran slow, for the most part, because there was no other option. I HATED it. I spent my runs thinking about running - stuck inside my battle with my body. I battled my inner "you can't do it", "you should give up". I listened and stopped a couple of times and cried.
I stopped seeing all the things that made running the joyful, life giving exercise that it is for me. When I ran with friends I was withdrawn. It literally took everything I had to keep running. But, I kept trying. I was determined not to forget.

The pain has been getting better. Massage and laser therapy, patience and time. Foam rolling, stretching and strengthening correctly (I have an EXCELLENT Personal Trainer, even though she's a bit of a bully) have been working their magic. Hard work gets results.

I am on Day 15 of a "Run Streak", challenged by my friend and massage therapist, Rhonda. Every day, my legs have been getting more tired. But they are remembering. It's as if ever step was a bit closer to the whole runner I was last September, when this shitstorm of pain really began.

Straight and true. Strong and solid. Moving forward. Not terribly quickly yet, but that's ok.

The blips and twinges and aches are there, but they are not dictating my run anymore. They are simply reminding me that patience will heal. And I am listening.

The best part? I am seeing all of my beautiful Brooklin trees again, in their summer blooming beauty. I am seeing the beautiful farmer's fields growing and lush. I smell the fresh cut hay in the fields, and feel the rush of nostalgia for my farm spent youth. I hear the laughter, the bird's calls and the wind whispering through the branches. Also, the car horns honking at me. Sigh. Share the road, drivers! I hear my running friends breathing,chatting, swapping tales of the open road.

Most of all, I hear my footfalls, steady and true beneath me. Moving forward. I have my feet under me again. I am moving forward.

I have found my CORE.

"Squat It Like It's Hot"

Squats. The fitness move everyone loves to hate.

I love the squat.

Every single person can do a squat. No equipment is needed. There are a thousand and one variations, with or without equipment. Squats give you fantastic legs and a double look worthy bum. Need I say more?

The primary focus in a squat is on the muscles of the hip, thighs and bum. Major muscles worked are the hamstrings, quadriceps and glutes. Squatting will also strengthen the bones, ligaments and tendon insertions in the lower body. Squatting is absolutely essential for increasing the size of leg and bum muscles and builing core strength.

Are you sold yet? Need more?

Squats also utilize muscles in the lower leg, lower back, upper back, abdominals, shoulders and arms, so all of those muscles are thus being trained.

More bang for the buck. Just the way I like it - get as much of the body involved as you can - maximize caloric expenditure and make every minute of your workout count!

A few other fun factoids to up the ante and make sure you squat and squat often:

-build better balance. The balance that you need to do them will help to sit,stand and walk tall and straight and it will also strengthen your back muscles and help to avoid the back pain caused by sitting in a chair for too long
-can be performed ANYWHERE!! That crazy lady you saw squatting at the grocery store? May have been me. Maybe.In the fresh veggies section, not the ice cream freezer, of COURSE!
-non-impact exercises - no undue strain on joints and spinal column
-weight loss. Being a big muscle, full body exercise, squats burn a lot of calories! Making them an efficient aid in weight loss as well as building muscle strength
-60% of human muscle mass is located in the legs,squats use almost all these leg muscles in unison
-most athletic injuries involve weak stabilizer muscles, ligaments & connective tissues. Body weight exercises like squats can help strengthen these & help prevent injury
-Ab contractions that occur during a squat can be more beneficial than crunches! They also help strengthen the lower back & can help improve posture.

I have also read that squats can get rid of cellulite, give you a "juicy" booty and solve world peace. Take of that what you will.

Squat To Your Max! 6 Problems that can occur when you squat at home and how to correct them

1. The Problem: Your shoulders and back are relaxed.

Without proper tension in your shoulders and back, your entire squat breaks down: You round your back, you lose control, and apart from being able to lift less weight, you also up your risk of injury. Basically, your body forgets how to do squats.

The Fix: Pull your shoulder blades down and together. This simple switch will engage your core and keep your body from becoming loosey-goosey. You'll be shocked how much stronger you'll feel.

2. The Problem: Your knees fall toward each other.

Caved-in knees are a telltale sign that your outer thighs are lacking in strength If you let your knees cave in, you'll only exacerbate muscular imbalances.

The Fix: Anchoring your feet to the floor can go a long way toward keep your knees where they need to be. Take a "tripod" stance, making sure your weight is evenly distributed under your big toe, little toe, and heel. Then, pretend you're trying to spread the floor between your feet. Push your feet into the ground and out to the sides. Your feet shouldn't actually move, but you should feel some tension in your hips.

3. The Problem: You never squat below parallel.

There's a big misconception that squatting below parallel is bad for your knees. If you have no knee issues, squatting deep is perfectly healthy and can actually make knees stronger. Plus, deep squats work parts of your glutes that shallow squats just don't.

The Fix: Squat as low as you can comfortably. The ideal depth is going to be different for everybody. But, by and large, you should squat until the top surface of your thigh is just below your knee.As long as you feel comfortable and in control, you can go even lower. Just remember, squats should never hurt. If they hurt, that's your body telling you to change how you're doing them.

4. The Problem: You've only tried one type of squat.

Squats come in a all shapes and sizes—just like the people who perform them. You've got back squats, front squats, goblet squats, plyometric squats, the list goes on.

The Fix: Mix up your variations for maximum results. While every type of squat will do wonders for your lower body, each variation emphasizes different muscles, such as your hamstrings or glute medius (side butt). Hit a few variations every week and you'll get the benefits of all of them.

5. The Problem: You squat once a week.

The less often you squat, the longer it will take to see results, both in terms of sculpting muscle and blasting fat. Squats are incredibly efficient: They work more muscles and burn more calories than just about any other movement.

The Fix: Squat two to three times a week.

6. The Problem: Your knees extend way past your toes.The farther your knees jut out past your toes, the more you stress your knee joints. If you have sensitive knees, that could spell injury

The Fix: Keep your knees in line with your toes. While it's perfectly OK if your knees extend a centimeter or two in front of your toes, focusing on keeping them behind your toes is an easy way to make sure you don't end up taking things too far forward. Ideally, your hips should move back just as much as your knees move forward. Emphasize weight in your heels and lighten the pressure on your toes. Added bonus: this will engage the glutes even more!

Come to Sgt.Annie's Boot Camp this week to break down the squat and practise loads of variations!
Thursday 8pm Drop In

Find Your CORE

Gird your loins Warriors!

The day of reckoning be almost upon us!


Here are some details that I have ascertained to be important and worthy of sharing:

Race Kit Pick Up and Gear Stash
Packet pick-up will be available on-site, beginning one hour prior to the first wave of the day.
Your packet includes your race bib with safety pins, t-shirt, and Warrior helmet.
You’ll need your photo ID* to pick up your packet as well as a signed and dated copy of the participant waiver. We have copies on site, but to save time, print, and complete the waiver at home by printing the waiver I will have copies of available at classes next week.
For proof of identity they accept photocopies of your:

Passport
Student ID
Membership Card
License

Gear check is FREE for all participants. A band will be issued corresponding to your race number if desired.

The bulk of our group is at the 10:30am wave time - please feel free if you wish to double check every day if you wish to join that time. Apparently space often becomes available closer to the time. It is supposed to be a simple transaction through your Warrior Dash account to switch over.

On May 27th, 2015, an EventSprout account was created for every Warrior using the email address you used while signing up. To create or reset your password, please head HERE and click, "Forgot Password."

What to Bring for Race Day:

Required Items:
Your photo ID*
$10 cash for parking
Appropriate footwear is highly recommended! Note: You will get muddy
Spending money for extra beer, turkey legs, entertainment, apparel and merchandise
Signed waiver

Prohibited Items:

No outside food or beverage items
No tents or canopies
No chairs or stools of any type
No alcohol or flasks
No coolers
No glass containers
No illegal substances, drugs, or drug paraphernalia
No illegal or unauthorized vending
No knives or weapons of any kind
No flammable lanterns or fire of any kind
No fireworks or any types of explosives
No skateboards, scooters, or personalized motor vehicles
No outside cans or cups
No soliciting
No charcoal, propane, or gasoline
No grills or cooking devices

There will be a Warrior Wash at the event. This nature of this wash varies by location. In the past, we have used sprinkler systems or existing bodies of water for Warriors to rinse off with.


The above is all the official Warrior Spiel ^^^^^^^^^^^


I enjoyed that blog with some great tips ^^^^

also:
Also if you have areas that rub together (helloooo my thighs) or may chafe - keep in mind you will be soaking wet covered in mud - apply some vaseline liberally. I'm not joking one bit. Nipples/ bra strap area - inner thigh - toes - anywhere you think.

read this:


and lastly ( In know there are some repeats - but its a good list too)


I have no idea what we are getting ourselves into - so the rest will just have to happen!! Let's do this thing!

Find Your CORE!

"Never Gonna Keep Me Down" aka Warrior Dash is coming OMFG

"I get knocked down, but I get up again. Your not ever gonna keep me down"

Chumbawumba


Ahhh, the 90's anthem.It's what plays in my head when I think of the impending torture that will be upon us on July 18th,2015. Cause shit just got real friends - we're going down. And we're getting dirrrttty. And it's going to be hard. Really, really hard. I'm going to tell you the truth about what is going to happen.

This is how the website so beautifully explains the Warrior Dash. Almost poetic:

Warrior Dash is the obstacle course race that anyone can start and everyone can finish. With over two million participants worldwide since 2009, we’ve reinvented the concept of a 5k run and created a revolution: Warrior Nation. Whether you’re an elite athlete or just beginning the challenge, you’ll conquer 12 world-class obstacles like Goliath and Great Warrior Wall, wade across wooded lakes, and venture through mud-caked backroads as you make your loop to the finish line. You’ll be rewarded with a finisher medal (that doubles as a bottle opener and magnet), a sweet t-shirt, fuzzy Warrior helmet, and ice cold beer. Head to the post-race party to relive the course with friends, dance to live music, and celebrate your decision to leave your normal weekend in the mud.

Doesn't that sound delightful? DO NOT. I repeat. DO NOT. Believe a word of it. It's all to fool you into coming. I know this because it's wrapped in the same package that I use to sell you all on my classes. Except that my classes are good for you. And you need them. So keep drinking my kool aid, kay?

Look at this:

I mean, c'mon. Look at that dude! He is HARD CORE. And he looks miserable. This is gonna hurt.

And then this:

Dear sweet Jesus - WHHHHYYYYYY are we doing this?

I'm guessing that with 10 days left, many of the 20+ idiots who agreed to this "adventure" with me are feeling nervous, unprepared, anxious, not ready, well, you know - you are feeling it.

It's because we can't do it.

No

Way

Not

Ever

Feeling deflated? Disappointed? What's the problem? I'm just going with what you all have been telling me.
"I don't think I can"
"Can I go around"
"What if I"
"I'm not strong enough"

You are right.

With that attitude, you can't do it.

The thing is, I know you can do it.
You are strong. You survive and thrive in your workouts.
You are determined people who make things happen on a daily basis.
You are able and ready to give this 100% No matter what that looks like when you cross the finish line.

It is going to be hard. It is going to hurt. It is going to be messy. You will be WAY outside of your comfort zone. But you CAN and WILL do this.

There will be times throughout the course that your mind will tell you otherwise. It will be lying to you. Listen to me. I'm your truth. You CAN and WILL do this.

All it takes from here on is belief. Your belief. That you can do this. You can face this challenge like every other that presents itself. With your heads up, a smile on your face, the "F" word on your lips and your beautiful strong bodies. You CAN and WILL do this.

So waste not one more moment in can't. You are robbing yourself of the anticipation of the fun(?)that is to come. I believe in you. On July 18th it's your turn.....

Find your CORE

P.S. I just saw this picture. I'm out - look at all that mess. MY OCD!! ***shudders***

P.P.S. Watch this blog tomorrow for a list of packing and preparation tips for the event on July 18th. Let's go Warriors!!!!!!

"Who Am I, Without You" Me, In A Large Nutshell

This past few weeks I have had cause to stop and check myself. I realize that if you were to break down my waking day into percentages the pie chart might flow something like this:

75% work or work related
1% all other daily stuff
24% apologising

This may be partly a result of genetics (English) and upbringing (Canadian) but I think it's mostly a part of who I am. I've been thinking a bit on who, exactly, I might be. I thought after 37 years on this earth that this would be pretty self explanatory to those who know me, and most especially to myself. I know me. Right?

Then this morning, my lovely friend and blog mentor Alex, from I Don't Blog, posted this little gem:

Dammit. She knows who she is. Hate her just kidding she's amazing. Even though she's judging.

So I had to think about it. And then rethink it. Then think it over again, in case the first two times were not right.
I'm a perfectionist who has embraced chaos. I overthink, overplan, overdo absolutely everything. If I have bought or made you a gift you can be sure that I have sat up at night planning, fretting and preparing. Not to make the perfect gift, but the perfect gift for you.
I care about everyone and love my people with every ounce of me. If you are my best friend or a casual acquaintance, I care about you. The difference is how close I let you get to my heart. I think about the people I love all the time, and take the time to consider how my actions/words etc will affect them.
I'm an introvert who loves people. That, my readers, is a painful combo.
I'm brave. ^^ see above. All that which which scares me? Screw it. I'll do it anyway.Especially if it involves the people I love. Especially if they need me.
I'm loyal I'll do whatever it takes to make people safe and loved. Anything.

So to sum up the above in one category:

I'm a human repairman. I want everyone and everything in this whole silly world to feel happy and secure and loved. And when I perceive that this is not the case, I must make it so. Need a friend? I'm there. Car broken? I'll give you a ride. Rough patch in life? I'll brighten what I can't fix of that. Charity needs a hand? I'm on my way. Most of the time this trait is life giving and lends to an abundance of joy in my life.

Except when it doesn't.

I absolve people of responsibility for their actions, or inactions of the burden of my brokenness so they can feel better about themselves. Because I hurt when you hurt.

I'm sorry. My fault. I shouldn't have....

So I take that on my weary fixing shoulders. And it piles up. Until I have no desire to fix one single thing ever again for you. And then, quietly, I fade away. And for the most part, people don't even notice. Not because they are bad, but because they are not looking.

That is who I am. Your resident emotional handyman.

Maybe, though, it's far time for me to turn that toolbox towards myself.

I have a person. And I have loads of true genuine people. Who see when I hurt, and when I need a repair, and come running. People who see when I am happy and celebrate. And people who take my fixing ways and use them and appreciate them. People who remember my best even when I'm at my worst. And my worst can be pretty horrid. Reading this blog might give you the impression that I'm all lovely and nice. Nah. Fatally flawed and often a complete bitch.

It may just be time to let the rest of the world float on by and save my energies for those who cherish them.

Not to say I won't care, because I can't help it. But if I can't fix something, I'm going to let that be your problem, and not mine.

If you come into my life and don't intend to treat me with the same kindness and love that I will treat you with, then don't be puzzled when I fade away.

And, because I love you, I recommend you do the same.

Find Your CORE

"Know When To Hold 'Em" To rest - or not to rest. That is the question.

I hear a lot about "rest" and "recovery". Many theories, opinions and ideas about when, how and what exactly the terms mean even.

Prevailing theory is that hard efforts must be followed by a recovery time. Makes sense to me. Most of us, though, aren't elite athletes and do not train/eat/push our bodies like we are. When an elite athlete rests it may mean an easy day at the gym and an easy shake out run to get the blood flowing. In some cases, it means the athlete will rest. Completely. Because they need every calorie they intake to nourish and repair their bodies. It takes most bodies 24-48 hrs to recover from a hard effort. Elite athletes combine high intensity workouts with high volume workouts + cross training to achieve peak performance goals.We, human athletes as it were, do not.
Most of us work out/run/cycle/etc.. to achieve one of the following, or similar:
- improved health
- weight maintenance
- social enjoyment
- fun (I know - only sick people like me LIKE working out)
- mental health benefits

My opinion? Rest and recovery are all relative.

We all work out hard. But we need to move EVERY.SINGLE.DAY day in some meaningful way. Science has shown that living an active lifestyle has more benefits than we will ever begin to understand. We are NOT built to be sedentary. At all. Ask paleolithic man if he ever had a rest day. Uggg. No rest. Grunt.


Paleolithic man was also far more likely to die via tusked beast, falling rock or paleolithic woman than he was heart disease or cancer.

An active life (one in which we are sedentary as little as possible) is scientifically proven to reduce the risk, symptoms and more of over 38 chronic, life altering diseases. Movement can extend the longetivity of your immune system, help maintain muscle mass, keep the circulatory system circulating, prevent loss of bone density and ward of symptoms of neurological diseases such as alzheimer's and dementia. Oh and, etcetera etcetera. I could go on. And on.

And people think we sell fitness for weight loss.....pfft. Only one egg in the carton has anything to do with weight. And that's no yolk.

So, considering you are committing to move because, well...all or any of the above.... should you work out three days a week, and do nothing the other four? Based on the fact that you worked out really hard those three times?

Absolutely. Not. Enough. I am sorry to break everyone's fitness bubble, but one hour in the gym and 23 on the couch/office chair do not a healthy person make. Every movement counts. Seven days each and every week. As often as you can.

We need to consider our rest as being supplied by adequate amounts of good quality sleep, nutrition and water. Toss in some activities that we enjoy to make life fun, and there is our rest and recovery in a nutshell.

Choose your type and intensity of workout according to how you feel, and of course common sense. Hitting the gym for an intense leg workout followed the next day by a super intense long distance run, followed by... well, you get the picture. Mix up your movements and your intensity levels often, or as needed.

For the most part, life itself will give us too many rest days....overtime at work, emergencies, general busyness, can rob us of our best attempts to move and move often. Occasionally we get knocked out with a virus and simply cannot get up. There's rest for you.

There are a few times when we should review our need for rest. If you find yourself experiencing many injuries, perhaps feeling a bit grumpy, bored or sick of your fitness routine, then you should stop and check. Am I getting adequate rest? (sleep, nutrition, water, fun). If not - work on those areas of your life. Try switching up your program to alleviate boredom and fatigue - and as a bonus, help prevent repetitive use injuries. If those all fail - take some time off. Make sure to move as often as possible still, but take time to smell the roses on a walk or try a restorative yoga instead of a power version.

Get up and move around every hour you are awake. No matter where you are. Standing is better than sitting - so stand if walking around is not an option.

There is no rest for the wicked. Just ask our first paleolithic woman, Eve.

Find Your CORE