"I've Got To Go Home"

Today is my Dad's birthday. He is no longer with us, and my greatest fear is that I forget something important about him.
It feels so very wrong that he is gone, and even more wrong to let go of any single thing that I know about him. Forgeting,you see, is simply not an option.
This is his first birthday since he has passed, although 4 have gone by since he was incapacitated in soul, and mostly in body.It is, then, not his first birthday without him, but his lack of physical presence on this earth has certainly given me reason to stop each day, pause and remember.

Quite simply, I am a little less me without him. He loved me, and he was good at love, in his simple, silly, confused way. He did not understand me, but he didn't feel the need to. He liked me. He thought I was interesting and intelligent. We enjoyed lively discussion about ALL topics, and although he hated being wrong, he loved sharp tongued debate and clever wordplay. He thought I was beautiful and talented. He appreciated that I was a hard worker, and ambitious, and kind. And he thought I was I a good mother.

He TOLD ME these things. He took time to tell me what he thought of the person I was, and the actions I took. Sometimes I didn't want to hear, but he told me anyway. And even when he thought I was being an asshole he told me, and still loved me. Right that second even, while he was telling me I was an asshole.

No games. Just simple. And honest. My father's love for me.

So even though I know he won't be reading this, I want to share the commitment that I have made to myself to honour his birthday, his life, and his simple love.

I promise to:

-continue to take a moment every morning to speak his name aloud, and to close my eyes, breathe in, and hear the sound of his soft voice. I must remember his voice. It's one of my greatest fears that I will wake up one day and not be able to draw it to mind, so I practise hearing it still.
-to tell my children about him. Everything about him. The good, the bad and the ugly.
-to tell my children often about the things they need to hear. So that even though they will not remember his voice, they will hear it through me.
-to line up at midnight with my kids on December 18th, and be at the first showing of the new Star Wars movie.
-to find out where he lies now, and take something of him home, even if only his memory, to be in England again. To go home, on my own, and learn about my heritage and be where my heart pulls me so strongly.

To go home.

So I can listen, and maybe hear him once more.


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