Thursday, July 2, 2015

"Who Am I, Without You" Me, In A Large Nutshell

This past few weeks I have had cause to stop and check myself. I realize that if you were to break down my waking day into percentages the pie chart might flow something like this:

75% work or work related
1% all other daily stuff
24% apologising

This may be partly a result of genetics (English) and upbringing (Canadian) but I think it's mostly a part of who I am. I've been thinking a bit on who, exactly, I might be. I thought after 37 years on this earth that this would be pretty self explanatory to those who know me, and most especially to myself. I know me. Right?

Then this morning, my lovely friend and blog mentor Alex, from I Don't Blog, posted this little gem:

Dammit. She knows who she is. Hate her just kidding she's amazing. Even though she's judging.

So I had to think about it. And then rethink it. Then think it over again, in case the first two times were not right.
I'm a perfectionist who has embraced chaos. I overthink, overplan, overdo absolutely everything. If I have bought or made you a gift you can be sure that I have sat up at night planning, fretting and preparing. Not to make the perfect gift, but the perfect gift for you.
I care about everyone and love my people with every ounce of me. If you are my best friend or a casual acquaintance, I care about you. The difference is how close I let you get to my heart. I think about the people I love all the time, and take the time to consider how my actions/words etc will affect them.
I'm an introvert who loves people. That, my readers, is a painful combo.
I'm brave. ^^ see above. All that which which scares me? Screw it. I'll do it anyway.Especially if it involves the people I love. Especially if they need me.
I'm loyal I'll do whatever it takes to make people safe and loved. Anything.

So to sum up the above in one category:

I'm a human repairman. I want everyone and everything in this whole silly world to feel happy and secure and loved. And when I perceive that this is not the case, I must make it so. Need a friend? I'm there. Car broken? I'll give you a ride. Rough patch in life? I'll brighten what I can't fix of that. Charity needs a hand? I'm on my way. Most of the time this trait is life giving and lends to an abundance of joy in my life.

Except when it doesn't.

I absolve people of responsibility for their actions, or inactions of the burden of my brokenness so they can feel better about themselves. Because I hurt when you hurt.

I'm sorry. My fault. I shouldn't have....

So I take that on my weary fixing shoulders. And it piles up. Until I have no desire to fix one single thing ever again for you. And then, quietly, I fade away. And for the most part, people don't even notice. Not because they are bad, but because they are not looking.

That is who I am. Your resident emotional handyman.

Maybe, though, it's far time for me to turn that toolbox towards myself.

I have a person. And I have loads of true genuine people. Who see when I hurt, and when I need a repair, and come running. People who see when I am happy and celebrate. And people who take my fixing ways and use them and appreciate them. People who remember my best even when I'm at my worst. And my worst can be pretty horrid. Reading this blog might give you the impression that I'm all lovely and nice. Nah. Fatally flawed and often a complete bitch.

It may just be time to let the rest of the world float on by and save my energies for those who cherish them.

Not to say I won't care, because I can't help it. But if I can't fix something, I'm going to let that be your problem, and not mine.

If you come into my life and don't intend to treat me with the same kindness and love that I will treat you with, then don't be puzzled when I fade away.

And, because I love you, I recommend you do the same.

Find Your CORE

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