`And There Is A Light, Don`t Let It Go Out`

As I get older, I am finding out more and more about myself. It's such a cliche, that when we reach adulthood we "find ourselves". Or not.

I was never lost. So what is there to find?

I do,however,believe that there comes a time in everyone's life that you no longer are willing to compromise the parts of ourselves that are inherently true. Because we realize that the people in our lives will love us the way we are, or will move on.

I know alot about me. I've put up with my consistent inconsistencies for years now.

I realize, though, that there are times that I allow other's opinions of me to shape how I behave. So I have wavered between what I long to do, and what others have expected of me.

I have lived happily. But with wavering purpose.

Went for a run this morning with my bestie running wife. I love her. I love running. We headed out to Durham Forest, intrepid adventurers that we are, armed with gooey runner's "nutrition" and a water bottle.

It promised to be idyllic. And it was. Eye opening as well.

I realize that running is my "thing" because to run is to take part in the action that is most me. Forward. Motion.

I am most me when I am moving forward, and struggle the most when that motion is paused.

People all my life have tried to tell me to slow down. Not take on so much. Not get involved. I have listened to them. And I have crashed.

When I am standing still I am vulnerable. I am purposeless. And I am not me.

When I am moving forward, even slowly, I am alive. I dream. I plan. I implement those plans and make things a reality. I have never seen anything as insurmountable when I am taking steps forward. I take on crazy things and make them happen. Plan big events, start my own business, help a friend, learn a new skill, take a trip, whatever. The more on the go the better. It`s how I`m happiest.

Dreaming big, working hard, making things happen, for myself, my family, my community and beyond. Perpetual motion.

I want to change the world, and when I stop trying life just isn`t as rich and fulfilling.

I don`t need to stop and smell the roses, thank you very much.

My runs are my reminder that NO MATTER WHAT, I can take another step. On my hardest day, I can move on. No mountain in my path can stop me. I`ll climb it, one difficult, trudging step at a time.

So, just like I refuse to let anything stop me from running, and loving every minute of it, I vowed to myself today, out on that sandy trail, to start making dreams come true. Yes, I`ll be busy. Yes, it will be hard. But my children will have a Mum who is fulfilled and a role model of how to give the best of yourself to the world. They will see that people can balance their own needs with those of others. They will see that dreams can come true.

They`ll see that their Mum changed the world. Starting with her own.

Find Your CORE

"Memories" some thoughts about grief

I have grieved, and am grieving.

Several of my friends have lost parents or loved ones this year, and often I have been asked about grief and loss, knowing that I have recently lost my parents. I have no good answers, really. But I have learned a few things along the way.

I believe that grieving is an action word, used to describe the new state of "withoutness" that remains in the void left by loss. Grief is change. When something or someone leaves you, your life changes. It cannot possibly be any other way.
Nothing is ever quite the same. That, in itself, is the sad truth about loss.
In my experience, grief is a physical and emotional pain.
There is no way to avoid it.
It never goes away. Because they have gone away.
Grief is forever, ever present and life altering. It is, in our post 911 world parlance, your "new normal".
Grief is a void, left by love, or familiarity or security. Grief is an empty space. Some empty spaces can be filled, with time. Others never can.

Over time, though, for me, the emptiness fills with emotion. A song on the radio fills you with sadness. A line in a movie brings their face to mind.You see a glimpse of their face in your children's reflection. These fleeting visits feel warm, cold and everything in between. Sometimes a memory can change your day for the better and another can change your week for the worse. These moments of grace, a thin space where you feel them close again, these become your grief. You don't heal from the loss of a loved one. You simply learn how to see life differently without them.

So how do you survive? Everyone differently. I'm willing to bet that not one person processes their losses the same way as another, and that's fine. Do what you have to do. Make healthy choices. Allow yourself to feel. Be happy. Be sad. Work at feeling better. It's okay to feel better. Honour your loss any way that is meaningful to you.

Death is closure. There is no more impenetrable barrier. Do what you need to do to remember, not whatever you can to forget.

And through it all, remember most of all, that you yourself have lost, but are not lost. Remember to live.

Find Your CORE

"I've Got To Go Home"

Today is my Dad's birthday. He is no longer with us, and my greatest fear is that I forget something important about him.
It feels so very wrong that he is gone, and even more wrong to let go of any single thing that I know about him. Forgeting,you see, is simply not an option.
This is his first birthday since he has passed, although 4 have gone by since he was incapacitated in soul, and mostly in body.It is, then, not his first birthday without him, but his lack of physical presence on this earth has certainly given me reason to stop each day, pause and remember.

Quite simply, I am a little less me without him. He loved me, and he was good at love, in his simple, silly, confused way. He did not understand me, but he didn't feel the need to. He liked me. He thought I was interesting and intelligent. We enjoyed lively discussion about ALL topics, and although he hated being wrong, he loved sharp tongued debate and clever wordplay. He thought I was beautiful and talented. He appreciated that I was a hard worker, and ambitious, and kind. And he thought I was I a good mother.

He TOLD ME these things. He took time to tell me what he thought of the person I was, and the actions I took. Sometimes I didn't want to hear, but he told me anyway. And even when he thought I was being an asshole he told me, and still loved me. Right that second even, while he was telling me I was an asshole.

No games. Just simple. And honest. My father's love for me.

So even though I know he won't be reading this, I want to share the commitment that I have made to myself to honour his birthday, his life, and his simple love.

I promise to:

-continue to take a moment every morning to speak his name aloud, and to close my eyes, breathe in, and hear the sound of his soft voice. I must remember his voice. It's one of my greatest fears that I will wake up one day and not be able to draw it to mind, so I practise hearing it still.
-to tell my children about him. Everything about him. The good, the bad and the ugly.
-to tell my children often about the things they need to hear. So that even though they will not remember his voice, they will hear it through me.
-to line up at midnight with my kids on December 18th, and be at the first showing of the new Star Wars movie.
-to find out where he lies now, and take something of him home, even if only his memory, to be in England again. To go home, on my own, and learn about my heritage and be where my heart pulls me so strongly.

To go home.

So I can listen, and maybe hear him once more.


Find your CORE

"All Types of People"

Hey you. Am I your type?

Your body type, that is...

We are all different shapes and sizes, this we know for certain, but there are different types of bodies and knowing where your body falls in line can be very helpful when determining how you should train and nourish yourself.

Some bodies gain muscle easily, some are more prone to retaining fat. Some people find it incredibly hard work to build muscle. All different - but scientifically, we do all fall into place on the following spectrum:

Or, another way of visualizing these three body types??

You're welcome, ladies.

To find out what body type you fall into - and a better description of the three body types than I can provide, check out www.bodybuiling.com and search body types quiz.


Knowledge is power, people. The more you know about your body, the better you can help it to function at it's best for a long time. Time is important, and movement for your body type helps utilize the time you spend working out wisely.

I did the test - I score somewhere between an ectomorph and a mesomorph.

What does that mean? Basically that I don't put on a tonne of muscle mass. I should lift weights. Heavy weights are good - since it takes some work for me to muscle up, and even then it is unlikely I would ever get "bulky". Moderate amounts of cardio recommended.

Moderate amounts of cardio. Isn't that like moderate amounts of ice cream??? Not a thing. But I understand the reasoning.

I utilize this information in all of my personal training programs, and would be glad to discuss what is optimal for you and your body type!

Knowledge is power. Know your body, and how best to move it. Move it. How best to move it. Move it.

Find Your CORE

"And Now I'm Swimming"

I have a new mantra this year.

"Why Not Me"

I'm a pretty brave chick for the most part, and take risks. Often, actually. Because I promised myself that there wasn't one single thing I wouldn't try. I refuse to let fear stop me from living, even for a second.

I realised this year that I might have subconsciously found a loophole.

I **may** have bypassed an experience or two. Not because I was afraid to try, but afraid to try and risk failing.

Before even taking the step, I sometimes convince myself that I don't measure up. So I take the opportunity off the table.

So upon recognizing this silliness I have spent much time this year repeating,"why not me" when presented with opportunities that I thought were totally beyond my reach.

Those three words terrify me and I often hate myself for trotting them out. Unfortunately they are often closely followed by discomfort, hard work and a lot of prayer.

It's reasonably easy to take a big plunge when you only focus on the first sensation - fear. But after you take the first step off the ledge the realization sets in. It's sink or swim. Do you turn back to shore? Or head out to the unknown. The possibility. Because. Why not me?

Looking at a beautiful athletic woman ahead of me in a race last spring....I wanted to run like her. I wanted so badly to keep up with her. To fly along like she was.

Why not me?

It was terrifying. I did NOT want to try and then be unable to maintain. She was clearly a runner. She was clearly a strong runner. I have my pace, I'm good. Go ahead, strong runner girl. Godspeed.

Why not me?

Because....she's faster than me.

Why not me?

Because she's stronger than me.

Why not me?

Because ..... I don't really know really. I guess I could try.

Why not me?

No reason why, actually. None at all.

It hurt to keep up with her. It required an incredible amount of effort, already an hour into the run. So much hard work. Much much easier to have enjoyed the pace I had prepared for. I'm pretty sure there was some heavy negotiating happening with the running Gods about lactic acid threshold and glycogen stores. I did eventually settle in comfortably. And I did indeed finish with my "rabbit" close by. And it was worth it.

Not life changing, one run, I know. But a little bit of proof that working extra hard and pushing through my limits can open up possibilities I never dreamed of. Even if I don't achieve what I set out for. No excuses. The effort was made. Why not me.

There have been some huge victories for me this year. All unexpected. All because I took a big leap and then swam like hell.

Why not me?

And, come to think about it...next time something crosses your path that makes you go "hmmmmmm... I wonder......" :

Why. Not. You.

Find your CORE

"Music Makes The People Come Together"

This time last Saturday I was headed downtown Toronto.

I LOVE TORONTO. It is so very alive. And tall. There is a rhythm to Toronto, a steady pulsing beat.

So, I was excited. We wandered around the beautiful Distillery District, a first for my friends and I, and got to experience a new and entirely charming and unique part of the city. After cocktails and dinner, I changed in a parking lot. What?!?! You know I'm a fitness superhero, right? No one saw a thing.

We headed to our main purpose of the day. An outdoor concert.

The last time I went to an outdoor concert there was lots of young people, smoking (legal and illegal substances), copious amounts of alcohol, and a shared interest. Music.

We got there and realized that the line to enter literally snaked around the block, around another block, and ended a half marathon away. Huh. When WE went to outdoor concerts, WE always wandered in fashionably late. Lineups? Pfft.

The crowd was 60% young and nubile,40%.....other. There was smoking (legal and otherwise), there was copious amounts of alcohol, and there was music.

Once we found our spot (close to the stage!!) and our alcohol (copious amounts!) there was very little time wasted in transitioning to our younger selves. (Editors Note: This is a health blog, Annie - be careful what you disclose!) There was NO smoking (legal or otherwise). Sigh. I wore mini jean shorts (band-aids, actually) and a tank top, with flip flops. And though the music may be different, nothing else really was.

It was as close to time travel as we will likely ever come.

Giggling, singing and dancing, the crowd around us was quickly enlivened by our enthusiasm, so we drew them in and made the circle bigger. People that would normally have nothing in common all of a sudden has so many things to chat animatedly about. Age gaps melted away.

By the time the first note was played, we were in the thick of the closest, and possibly biggest and rowdiest, group of concert revelers.

It was, in a word, AMAZING.

We came together to hear.

We stood together to see.

We will remember, collectively, how we felt.

Together, we lived the experience.

Music.

It is the heartbeat of our souls.

It is the common thread that ties every human experience together.

It binds forever and creates connections that are virtually impossible to make any other way.


I run because I can't imagine myself any other way. Music reminds me that that is just fine.

Find Your CORE.

"Wallow"

I woke up this morning and got out of bed. Somedays lately this takes a Herculean effort. Physically and mentally, I would much, and I mean MUCH, rather stay in bed.

But I got out of bed. I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Put my running shoes on. And stepped over 4 kids to go out my front door for my run.

Did a 7km run, with some speed intervals.

Had a cup of coffee and made breakfast for the 4 slumping zombies currently grunting around my home.

Dragged my butt downstairs, did an upper body workout and planked.

I'd still MUCH rather be in bed.

Guess who called me to check in to see if I got my workout in? Ate a healthy breakfast? Made the choices that help me be the cheery, productive person I almost always am?

No one.

In fact, no one has EVER asked, reminded, prodded, helped, motivated me to make these things happen. And despite this I rarely, if ever, let anything get in the way of making these important choices happen.

There are things that I must do everyday to ensure that I am healthy, functioning and ready to adult. I do them.

I may have lied a little. I do have some people who motivate me to get up, get moving and be the best version of myself I can manage:

Take 5 minutes today to figure out what will get you out the door. Do it. You're welcome.

Find Your CORE