Last weekend I grudgingly donned my IPod and Skechers and headed out on a run. I am running an 8K dash for Camp Oochigeas this Sunday and the July Duathlon is fast approaching, so whether I like it or not, I have to start logging some miles. I love exercise, but truthfully, running is not my thing. I enjoy doing it with other people, but on my own I have the attention span of a gnat, and a negative voice in my head that screams at me constantly. While I have had some moments of enjoyment during my solo runs this spring, they have been few and far between. Mostly it's a battle.
So I had not even bothered to psyche myself up before this run, resigned to the fact that likely it would hurt, would bore me and I would come home sweaty but dissatisfied. And so I set out.
It was a beautiful day - idyllic almost, with the lilac bushes in full bloom along the side of the road, the sound of lawns being mowed, the laughter of children happy to be finally playing outside. The IPod was spewing favourite songs that were helping me pick up my aching feet.
I love Grey's Anatomy. I feel like Meredith Grey, the main character, and I have lots of common ground. I have had plenty of times in my life when I have been, "dark and twisty" as Meredith has described herself. I have a complicated relationship with my mother. I have my own McDreamy knight in shining whatever (although mine is WAY better) who has stood by me through thick and thin. I have dug myself out of bad situations and have risen from the ashes of my own self destruction. So it's probably no surprise that there are lots of amazing tunes from the show on my IPod, and that I identify lots of my own major life experiences in the words and music. I've often laughed that it could be my own personal soundtrack.
I was running down a country road, contemplating the deep mysteries of life. Actually I was not so quietly cursing and complaining about my aching legs, but I digress. One of my favourite songs came on, and it made me laugh. I love irony, and the song is called Just Breathe - something which I was struggling with at that moment in time.
I powered on, enjoying the freedom of running, with the song infusing itself into my pores. I felt that song, right at that moment, and turned my chin up towards the sun. Spreading my arms out to the sides to feel the air rush past my sweaty arms, I felt free. It seems so cliched, but I have spent much of my life wondering who I am. And the answer to that is varied, often complicated and often simple. But at the heart of me is that girl, running free and strong down the road towards the next challenge. Full of joy and life. A survivor. Dark and twisty no more, I am happy now to just breathe.
No comments:
Post a Comment