`And There Is A Light, Don`t Let It Go Out`

As I get older, I am finding out more and more about myself. It's such a cliche, that when we reach adulthood we "find ourselves". Or not.

I was never lost. So what is there to find?

I do,however,believe that there comes a time in everyone's life that you no longer are willing to compromise the parts of ourselves that are inherently true. Because we realize that the people in our lives will love us the way we are, or will move on.

I know alot about me. I've put up with my consistent inconsistencies for years now.

I realize, though, that there are times that I allow other's opinions of me to shape how I behave. So I have wavered between what I long to do, and what others have expected of me.

I have lived happily. But with wavering purpose.

Went for a run this morning with my bestie running wife. I love her. I love running. We headed out to Durham Forest, intrepid adventurers that we are, armed with gooey runner's "nutrition" and a water bottle.

It promised to be idyllic. And it was. Eye opening as well.

I realize that running is my "thing" because to run is to take part in the action that is most me. Forward. Motion.

I am most me when I am moving forward, and struggle the most when that motion is paused.

People all my life have tried to tell me to slow down. Not take on so much. Not get involved. I have listened to them. And I have crashed.

When I am standing still I am vulnerable. I am purposeless. And I am not me.

When I am moving forward, even slowly, I am alive. I dream. I plan. I implement those plans and make things a reality. I have never seen anything as insurmountable when I am taking steps forward. I take on crazy things and make them happen. Plan big events, start my own business, help a friend, learn a new skill, take a trip, whatever. The more on the go the better. It`s how I`m happiest.

Dreaming big, working hard, making things happen, for myself, my family, my community and beyond. Perpetual motion.

I want to change the world, and when I stop trying life just isn`t as rich and fulfilling.

I don`t need to stop and smell the roses, thank you very much.

My runs are my reminder that NO MATTER WHAT, I can take another step. On my hardest day, I can move on. No mountain in my path can stop me. I`ll climb it, one difficult, trudging step at a time.

So, just like I refuse to let anything stop me from running, and loving every minute of it, I vowed to myself today, out on that sandy trail, to start making dreams come true. Yes, I`ll be busy. Yes, it will be hard. But my children will have a Mum who is fulfilled and a role model of how to give the best of yourself to the world. They will see that people can balance their own needs with those of others. They will see that dreams can come true.

They`ll see that their Mum changed the world. Starting with her own.

Find Your CORE

"Memories" some thoughts about grief

I have grieved, and am grieving.

Several of my friends have lost parents or loved ones this year, and often I have been asked about grief and loss, knowing that I have recently lost my parents. I have no good answers, really. But I have learned a few things along the way.

I believe that grieving is an action word, used to describe the new state of "withoutness" that remains in the void left by loss. Grief is change. When something or someone leaves you, your life changes. It cannot possibly be any other way.
Nothing is ever quite the same. That, in itself, is the sad truth about loss.
In my experience, grief is a physical and emotional pain.
There is no way to avoid it.
It never goes away. Because they have gone away.
Grief is forever, ever present and life altering. It is, in our post 911 world parlance, your "new normal".
Grief is a void, left by love, or familiarity or security. Grief is an empty space. Some empty spaces can be filled, with time. Others never can.

Over time, though, for me, the emptiness fills with emotion. A song on the radio fills you with sadness. A line in a movie brings their face to mind.You see a glimpse of their face in your children's reflection. These fleeting visits feel warm, cold and everything in between. Sometimes a memory can change your day for the better and another can change your week for the worse. These moments of grace, a thin space where you feel them close again, these become your grief. You don't heal from the loss of a loved one. You simply learn how to see life differently without them.

So how do you survive? Everyone differently. I'm willing to bet that not one person processes their losses the same way as another, and that's fine. Do what you have to do. Make healthy choices. Allow yourself to feel. Be happy. Be sad. Work at feeling better. It's okay to feel better. Honour your loss any way that is meaningful to you.

Death is closure. There is no more impenetrable barrier. Do what you need to do to remember, not whatever you can to forget.

And through it all, remember most of all, that you yourself have lost, but are not lost. Remember to live.

Find Your CORE